the notorious cheap skate finally decided to h**e a party.explaining to a friend how to find h** apartment,he said,"come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.when the door open,push with your foot.
why use my elbow and foot?well,gosh,"was the "you're not coming empty-handed,are you?一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？“天哪！吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？not long after an old chinese woman came back to china from her v**it to her daughter in the states,she went to a city bank to deposit the us dollars her daughter g**e her.at the bank counter,the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real.it made the old lady out of patience.
at last she could not hold any uttering."trust me,sir,and trust the money.they are real us dollars.they are directly from america.
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位**老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。one day a v**itor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads,see how the farms looked,and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.the city man saw a farmer in h** yard,holding a pig up in h** hands,and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.the city man said to the farmer,"i see that your pig likes apples,but **n"t that quite a waste of time?the farmer replied,"what"s time to a pig?一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?a man goes to church and starts talking to god.he says:"god,what ** a million dollars to you?and god says:"a penny",then the man says:"god,what ** a million years to you?and god says:"a second",then the man says:"god,can i h**e a penny?and god says"in a second
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊,一百万美元对你意味着多少?上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?上帝回答:"过一秒钟.
an elephant said to a mouse,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that ih**e e ver seen.
pless,say it again.let me take it down."the mouse said."i will tell a flea what i know.
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听.
but the teacher cried
the six-year-old john was terribly spoiled.h** father knew it,but h** grandma doted on him.he hardly left her side.and when he wanted anything,he either cried or threw a temper tantrum.then came h** first day of school,h** first day away from h** grandmother's loving arms.
when he came home from school h** grandma met him at the door.
was school all right?she asked,"did you get along all right?did you cry?cry?john asked."no,i didn't cry,but the teacher did!可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？“哭？约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。coincidence
a woman was singing.one of the guests turned to a man by h** side and criticized the singer.
what a terrible voice!he said."do you know who she **?yes,"was the answer."she ** my wife.
oh,i beg your pardon."the man said,"of course her voice ** not bad,but the song ** very bad.i wonder who wrote that awful song.
i did."was the answer.
巧合
一位女士正在唱歌。一位客人转身对他旁边的男士批评道：
“多难听的嗓音！他说，“你知道她是谁吗？“知道，”男士回答，“她是我太太。“噢，请你原谅。客人说，“当然，她的嗓音并不坏，但那歌实在太差了。我想知道那是谁写的歌。“是我。男士回答道。improvement
one student to another:"how are your lessons coming along?fine.i used to be one who couldn't understand the men,and now it's the men who can't understand me.
进步
一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样？“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。a new drug 一种新药
jack:i h**e invented a new drug which could kill lice effectively.
tom:that's wonderful.how ** it used?jack:when you catch a louse,just put a little of that drug on its mouth and it will die immediately.
一种新药
杰克:我发明了一种新药能有效地杀死虱子。汤姆:太棒了。怎么用呢？杰克:你捉到一只虱子，只要在它嘴上抹一点这种药，虱子就会死去。but the teacher cried
the six-year-old john was terribly spoiled.h** father knew it,but h** grandma doted on him.he hardly left her side.and when he wanted anything,he either cried or threw a temper tantrum.then came h** first day of school,h** first day away from h** grandmother's loving arms.
when he came home from school h** grandma met him at the door.
was school all right?she asked,"did you get along all right?did you cry?cry?john asked."no,i didn't cry,but the teacher did!可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？“哭？约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。业余工作
when my son was a hign-school sophomore,he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket.he came home all smiles.
how was your first day?i asked.
it was great,dad,"he replied."i got to talk to some good-looking girls.
since stephen ** not very talkative,i asked,"what did you say to them?do you prefer ** or plastic?当我的儿子是hign学校二年级学生，他可及一个半日工作袋装的杂货超级市场。他回家了所有微笑。“怎么是您的第一天？我要求。“它是伟大的，爸爸”，他回复了。“我得到与一些悦目女孩谈话”。因为斯蒂芬不是非常健谈的，我要求，“他们怎么样？“您更喜欢纸或塑料？武松打虎
on h** way to v**it h** brother，wu song was at a place called mount jingyang.though a bit drunk，he began to climb the mountain.before long he saw a sign posted on a tree："tr**elers are adv**ed to group together to climb over the mountain since tigers h**e killed some singular tr**elers of late.please do not r**k your life."wu song reasoned that the sign must h**e been written by the inn keeper at the foot of the mountain for the sake of scaring tr**elers into spending the night in h** inn.he did not pay attention to the sign and continued on th** way.at sunset he came to an old temple on top of the mountain.there wu song saw another official sing tigers on the mountain.still，he decided no to return to the inn at the foot of the mountain for fear that the owner would laugh at him.he felt too drunk to walk on，so he decided to lie down on a slab of gray stone.just as he was about to fall asleep，he felt a gust of wind wh**tling around him：it was a mammoth tiger charging at him.wu song immediately turned h** body and dodged the animal.the tiger leapt again，but wu song managed to evade it.the beast got so angry that it used its tail to sweep toward wu song.wu song jumped to dodge the attack.he lifted h** cudgel to hit the tiger while it was turning around，but h** cudgel caught the branches of a tree and broke in two.the tiger was annoyed and launched another assault.wu song threw away the remnant of h** cudgel and jumped onto the back of the tiger.with h** left hand，he grabbed the skin of the head of the tiger，and he used h** other f**t to hit the eyes，mouth，nose and ears of the tiger.before long，the tiger was bleeding all over and lied on the ground motionless.wu song was afraid the tiger was pretending to be dead，so he wielded the broken cudgel to hit the tiger until he was sure the tiger was dead.the incident on mount jingyang made wu song famous far and wide.
翻译如下
武松回家探望哥哥，途中路过景阳冈。在冈下酒店喝了很多酒，踉跄着向冈上走去。兴不多事，只见一棵树上写着："近因景阳冈大虫伤人，但有过冈克上，应结伙成队过冈，请勿自误。武松认为，这是酒家写来吓人的，为的是让过客住他的店，竟不理它，继续往前走。太阳快落山时，武松来到一破庙前，见庙门贴了一张官府告示，武松读后，方知山上真有虎，待要回去住店，怕店家笑话，又继续向前走。由于酒力发作，便找了一块大青石，仰身躺下，刚要入睡，忽听一阵狂风呼啸，一只斑斓猛虎朝武松扑了过来，武松急忙一闪身，躲在老虎背后。老虎一纵身，武松又躲了过去。老虎急了，大吼一声，用尾巴向武松打来，武松又急忙跳开，并趁猛虎转身的那一霎间，举起哨棒，运足力气，朝**猛打下去。只听"咔嚓"一声，哨棒打在树枝上。老虎**大发，又向武松扑过来，武松扔掉半截棒，顺势骑在虎背上，左手揪住老**上的皮，右手猛击**，没多久就把老虎打得眼、嘴、鼻、耳到处流血，趴在地上不能动弹。武松怕老虎装死，举起半截哨棒又打了一阵，见那老虎确实没气了，才住手。从此武松威名大震。class and ass
professor laurie of glasgow put h** notice on h** door:"professor laurie will not meet h** classes today.
a student,after reading the notice,...