101 the one where monica gets a new roommate(the pilot-the uncut version)
[scene:central perk,chandler,joey,phoebe,and monica are there.]
monica:there's nothing to tell!he's just some guy i work with!joey:come on,you're going out with the guy!there's gotta be something wrong with him!chandler:all right joey,be nice.so does he h**e a hump?a hump and a hairpiece?phoebe:wait,does he eat chalk?(they all stare,bemused.)
phoebe:just,'cause,i don't want her to go through what i went through with carl-oh!monica:okay,everybody relax.th** ** not even a date.it's just two people going out to dinner and-not h**ing sex.
chandler:sounds like a date to me.
[time lapse]
chandler:alright,so i'm back in high school,i'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria,and i realize i am totally naked.
all:oh,yeah.had that dream.
chandler:then i look down,and i realize there's a phone.there.
joey:instead of.?chandler:that's right.
joey:never had that dream.
phoebe:no.
chandler:all of a sudden,the phone starts to ring.now i don't know what to do,everybody starts looking at me.
monica:and they weren't looking at you before?chandler:finally,i figure i'd better answer it,and it turns out it's my mother,which ** very-very weird,because-she never calls me![time lapse,ross has entered.]
ross:(mortified)hi.
joey:th** guy says hello,i wanna kill myself.
monica:are you okay,sweetie?ross:i just feel like someone reached down my throat,grabbed my small intestine,pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck.
chandler:cookie?monica:(explaining to the others)carol moved her stuff out today.
joey:ohh.
monica:(to ross)let me get you some coffee.
ross:thanks.
phoebe:ooh!oh!(she starts to pluck at the air just in front of ross.)
ross:no,no don't!stop cleansing my aura!no,just le**e my aura alone,okay?phoebe:fine!be murky!ross:i'll be fine,alright?really,everyone.i hope she'll be very happy.
monica:no you don't.
ross:no i don't,to hell with her,she left me!joey:and you never knew she was a le**ian.
ross:no!okay?why does everyone keep fixating on that?she didn't know,how should i know?chandler:sometimes i w**h i was a le**ian.(they all stare at him.)did i say that out loud?ross:i told mom and dad last night,they seemed to take it pretty well.
monica:oh really,so that hysterical phone call i got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 a.m.,"i'll never h**e grandchildren,i'll never h**e grandchildren."was what?a wrong number?ross:sorry.
joey:alright ross,look.you're feeling a lot of pain right now.you're angry.you're hurting.can i tell you what the answer **?(ross gestures h** consent.)
joey:strip joint!c'mon,you're single!h**e some hormones!ross:i don't want to be single,okay?i just.i just-i just wanna be married again!(rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
chandler:and i just want a million dollars!(he extends h** hand hopefully.)
monica:rachel?rachel:oh god monica hi!thank god!i just went to your building and you weren't there and then th** guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are,you are!waitress:can i get you some coffee?monica:(pointing at rachel)de-caff.(to all)okay,everybody,th** ** rachel,another lincoln high survivor.(to rachel)th** ** everybody,th** ** chandler,and phoebe,and joey,and-you remember my brother ross?rachel:hi,sure!ross:hi.
(they go to hug but ross's umbrella opens.he sits back down defeated again.a moment of silence follows as rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
monica:so you wanna tell us now,or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?rachel:oh god.well,it started about a half hour before the wedding.i was in the room where we were keeping all the presents,and i was looking at th** gr**y boat.th** really gorgeous **uge gr**y boat.when all of a sudden-(to the waitress that brought her coffee)sweet 'n' lo?i realized that i was turned on by th** gr**y boat than by barry!and then i got really freaked out,and that's when it hit me:how much barry looks like mr.potato head.y'know,i mean,i always knew looked familiar,but.anyway,i just had to get out of there,and i started wondering 'why am i doing th**,and who am i doing th** for?'.(to monica)so anyway i just didn't know where to go,and i know that you and i h**e kinda drifted apart,but you're the only person i knew who lived here in the city.
monica:who wasn't invited to the wedding.
rachel:ooh,i was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an **sue.
[scene:monica's apartment,everyone ** there and watching a span**h soap on tv and are trying to figure out what ** going on.]
monica:now i'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ,and she's really not happy about it.
chandler:(imitating the characters)tuna or egg salad?decide!ross:(in a deep voice)i'll h**e whatever chr**tine ** h**ing.
rachel:(on phone)daddy,i just.i can't marry him!i'm sorry.i just don't love him.well,it matters to me!(the scene on tv has changed to show two women,one ** holding her hair.)
phoebe:if i let go of my hair,my head will fall off.
chandler:(re tv)ooh,she should not be wearing those pants.
joey:i say push her down the stairs.
phoebe,ross,chandler,and joey:push her down the stairs!push her down the stairs!push her down the stairs!(she ** pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
rachel:c'mon daddy,l**ten to me!it's like,it's like,all of my life,everyone has always told me,'you're a shoe!you're a shoe,you're a shoe,you're a shoe!'.and today i just stopped and i said,'what if i don't wanna be a shoe?what if i wanna be a-a purse,y'know?or a-or a hat!no,i'm not saying i want you to buy me a hat,i'm saying i am a ha-it's a metaphor,daddy!ross:you can see where he'd h**e trouble.
rachel:look daddy,it's my life.well maybe i'll just stay here with monica.
monica:well,i guess we've establ**hed who's staying here with monica.
rachel:well,maybe that's my dec**ion.well,maybe i don't need your money.wait!wait,i said maybe![time lapse,rachel ** breating into a ** bag.]
monica:just breathe,breathe.that's it.just try to think of nice calm things.phoebe:(sings)raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens,(rachel and monica turn to look at her.)bluebells and slei**ells and-something with mittens.la la la la.something and noodles with string.these are a few.
rachel:i'm all better now.
phoebe:(grins and walks to the kitchen and says to chandler and joey.)i helped!monica:okay,look,th** ** probably for the best,y'know?independence.taking control of your life.the whole,'hat' thing.
joey:(comforting her)and hey,you need anything,you can always come to joey.me and chandler live across the hall.and he's away a lot.
monica:joey,stop hitting on her!it's her wedding day!joey:what,like there's a rule or something?(the door buzzer sounds and chandler gets it.)
chandler:please don't do that again,it's a horrible sound.
paul:(over the intercom)it's,uh,it's paul.
monica:oh god,** it 6:30?buzz him in!joey:who's paul?ross:paul the wine guy,paul?monica:maybe.
joey:wait.your 'not a real date' tonight ** with paul the wine guy?ross:he finally asked you out?monica:yes!chandler:ooh,th** ** a dear diary moment.
monica:rach,wait,i can cancel.
rachel:please,no,go,that'd be fine!monica:(to ross)are,are you okay?i mean,do you want me to stay?ross:(choked voice)that'd be good.
monica:(horrified)really?ross:(normal voice)no,go on!it's paul the wine guy!phoebe:what does that mean?does he sell it,drink it,or just complain a lot?(chandler doesn't know.)
(there's a knock on the door and it's paul.)
monica:hi,come in!paul,th** **.(they are all lined up next to the door.).everybody,everybody,th** ** paul.
all:hey!paul!hi!the wine guy!hey!chandler:i'm sorry,i didn't catch your name.paul,was it?monica:okay,umm-umm,i'll just-i'll be right back,i just gotta go ah,go ah.
ross:a wandering?monica:change!okay,sit down.(shows paul in)two seconds.
phoebe:ooh,i just pulled out four eyelashes.that can't be good.
(monica goes to change.)
joey:hey,paul!paul:yeah?joey:here's a little tip,she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
monica:(yelling from the bedroom)shut up,joey!ross:so rachel,what're you,uh.what're you up to tonight?rachel:well,i was kinda supposed to be headed for aruba on my honeymoon,so nothing!ross:...